Thursday, April 26, 2012

Once Upon a Time It Was "The Birds" All Over Again...almost...sort of

So I hate scary movies...even the ones that are supposed to be scary but everyone's all "whatever it wasn't scary." That being said, I've never actually watched Hitchcock's The Birds and have no intention of doing so. I do however know the premise of this movie and it scares the shit out of me.

Remember when I was getting all happy about the weather warming up? Well apparently in Colorado I'm not the only one who loves it. Moths apparently do, too. Saturday night I get home late and am exhausted, ready to climb into my bed when I turn on the light in my room and a SWARM of moths start fluttering about. The little moth-erf******s were having a party in MY bedroom and I wasn't even invited. I called a friend to ask what I'm supposed to do but I keep interrupting him with worst-case scenarios involving waking up with my face half eaten by moths and he's all "I'm trying to comfort you and be supportive but you're making it difficult!" and I'm all "have you seen The Birds? They are just waiting for me to go to sleep so they can bring in the army and attack." then he's all "moths don't have razor beaks" and I'm all "you don't know that....shut up."

So I resolve to let them have my room for the night (hospitality is one of my gifts) and left the light on to contain them, and I slept on an air mattress in the living room. I woke up Sunday morning and right before I start getting ready for church, I decide it is a good idea to Google "moth infestations." Well church was placed on the back burner as I start freaking out about the moth party I allowed to happen the night before. I don't know much about moth parties, but if this one got crazy who knows how many eggs were laid and if there was larvae feasting on my clothes. Anxiety kicked into full swing (I am more and more my father's child) and I imagine the worst and immediately start re-washing all of my clothes and putting my wool jacket in the freezer (I work for a non-profit...I can't afford clothes...okay I can afford clothes but I'd rather spend my money on other stuff instead). I thought it was a good idea to read up on as many moth infestation horror stories I could find for tips (although none seemed to have a happy ending resulting in no more moths...). I also spent the better part of the sabbath murdering the stupid things but when I killed one, 2 more seemed to come out. Not only was I losing the battle, I was slowly losing my sanity (okay, slightly dramatic but it didn't seem so at the time). I called up work neighbor who came over to help calm me down. We took a walk around the block because I needed to be out of the house then she braved the war zone with me.

When we got into my room, each of us armed with a shoe, at first I thought the moths had gotten smarter. They were "stationed" in hard to squish places, unlike the ones I had been killing who just landed on walls. I was wondering how they could learn so quickly then it hit me.

I had been killing the dumb moths all day. They had sent in the front lines to see how I would respond and now the smarter ones were moving in. Even worse, by killing the dumb ones, I was only aiding in survival of the fittest which means only the smart moths are left to breed which will result in even smarter moths. Then what if these smarter moths learn how to develop razor beaks so they can become the 21st century birds. I mean, isn't remaking old movies the "in" thing right now?

Anyway, I did eventually learn that apparently this time each year miller moths are in a migratory pattern to higher elevation and this is the worst it's been in 5-6 years. Also they aren't the clothes eating kind - just a nuisance and everyone has stories of them flooding their houses.This did calm me down a bit (although I am in the processing of sealing off windows in my room and have yet to sleep in there since this weekend) but with my recent thought process of what the future holds for these things I'm still a bit uncomfortable. I guess I can at least take my jacket out of the freezer.

Colorado Springs score: 1 (-2 because NOBODY WARNED ME ABOUT THE MOTH-ERF*****S)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Once Upon a Time IT WAS WAR

**Disclaimer: I just reread this and am aware of all the run-on sentences, quick pace, etc. This is what happens when I choose Mountain Dew from the vending machine when I meant to get Dr Pepper and work neighbor won't give me money to buy another one. I know work neighbor is going to be all "but you didn't ask me for more money so it's not my fault and oh by the way you're really pretty" but some things work neighbor's should just know amiright?**

Have I mentioned that I have asthma?

Yeah, I think it was a Christmas present in Kindergarten or something like that. A close second best gift ever would probably be when I found out I was allergic to paint in 7th grade. Won't ever forget priming for 3-4 hours straight one day then waking up the next day (my birthday) with a swollen splotchy face and going to the doctor's office. Going to the doctor's office was extra worse because until probably my senior year of high school I went to a pediatrician's office. During those impressionable teen years I felt so uncool sitting in a clown room. When I got my physical for track (I know not even kidding...I was on the track team for a season..."unfortunately" I had 2 foot surgeries which ended my running career...this'll come full circle eventually) they realized I was due for tetanus and hepatitis B shots. (Hepatitis B is the one everyone's supposed to get and there are like 3 of them, right? If not, I'm afraid I might've just really embarrassed myself). Well I have a fear of needles (I'm the most cautious person using a safety pin) so of course I start crying when they're giving me the shots, and I walked out of the pediatricians office crying with two bandaids and a sticker. You might be shocked to hear that I was not a cool kid in high school.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, asthma. My asthma is mostly environmentally induced. It wasn't severe so not a huge deal to grow up with. As long as I had my emergency inhaler around I was fine. However especially after reading/watching Lord of the Flies and seeing what Piggy(?) had to go through "sucks to your ass-mar!" I took it upon myself to stand up for him and others who would be made fun of by abusing the condition if I wanted to sleep in a couple of mornings or if they expected me to do something crazy during track practice (sometimes, they wanted me to run a full 400m then do it again after only having a few seconds to catch my breath). When I moved to Hawai'i where the environment doesn't really change (other than allergies, etc) I stopped wheezing or showing any signs of asthma and stopped carrying inhalers altogether. I was free. I had "grown out" of it.

Or. So. I. Thought.

Fast Forward to my recent move to the Springs. I decide to be a big girl and go play pick up ultimate when it was only in the high 30s. I pulled on these things Under Armour makes called "long sleeves" and "tights" to help achieve a fashion statement known as "layering." I put on a hat meant to actually keep my head warm and gloves and was ready to go. Only 3 of us showed up so we went to grab a beer (kind of the same thing as exercising...actually, I'm not even going to try and stretch that). I went home and was already dressed so I grabbed my old ipod and looked for "running" music. I figure a mix of Ciara and Bone Thugz n Harmony will have to do (don't judge me. I went through a lot of phases in college) and set out to pick back up my lost running career. I barely make it a half mile before I'm gasping for air and decide that's progress enough for the day and go back home. 3 hours later I was still wheezing and texted all 7 (yes, I had 7 friends by this time) of my friends to see who had an inhaler.

Well the weather is getting nicer so the wheezing has subsided a bit, but when we have the overnight 50 degree drops in day-to-day temperature I feel like the Springs atmosphere is just laughing at me. Excuuuse me if I take a beautiful 80 degree weekend followed by 30 degrees and snowfall as a personal attack on my breathing. Finally someone pulled through and got their hands on a couple inhalers so I should be fine now. You'll have to try harder, Colorado Springs. You definitely aren't making a friend out of me this way.

Colorado Springs score: 3 (-1 for false hope of springtime)