Once Upon a Time There Were Some Quotes of the Dad

A collection of the Quotes of the Dad I was able to find on Facebook:

June 6, 2014: (I flew into Richmond, VA and it happened to be the day they released dad to go home after 2 months in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant)

First 20 minutes with the parents and mom and dad thought they parked in different garages, but then we heard a car alarm and turns out it was dad's. Then in the car:
Mom: we don't have to listen to this the entire way
Dad: why?
Mom: don't you want to talk to Kayleigh?
Dad: about what?
Me: he can't hear me anyway
Dad: Kayleigh what do you want to talk about?
Me: drugs
Dad: who?
Me/Mom: drugs
Dad: did you meet any nice Costa Ricans?
...
Mom: you can listen to your news again dear
Dad: but Kayleigh, do you have anything you want to talk about?


June 6, 2014: 

Another QOTD (Quote of the Dad):
Me: dad what's the wifi password again?
Dad: the what?
Me: to get online
Dad: like on the computer?
Me: yes
Dad: Quinlan
Me: (doesn't work) a capital Q?
Dad: yeah
(It isn't connecting so I give up...then randomly a few min later)
Dad: ...you mean the Internet password?
Me: yes
Dad: oh, that's H***(etc).

June 7, 2014: 

Dad: Is Alex still here?
Me: I don't think so. I didn't see him. 
Dad: you didn't seen him? It's "I have not seen him."
Me: I know, but I said "I did not see him."
Dad: sure. Do you know how to speak in English sentences?
Me: I reckon I do
Dad: you don't talk right after leaving here. You probably say things like "I ain't done gone there before."
Me: you is funny
Dad: promise?

December 23, 2014:

Instead of posting the conversation this one is best summed up with the following reminder: Please enunciate and speak with great volume when talking to my dad or he might hear that you married at a whorehouse then moved with your husband to England, when you were actually married at a courthouse. Classic mixup, really.

December 24, 2014: (daddy/daughter time at Riv Pizza watching the Hawai'i Bowl)

Dad: can you roll a joint in here?
Bartender: no, silly commonwealth laws
...
Dad: which friend lives in NY again? Where is she?
Me:  Katie. She's home in HHI for Christmas right now. 
Dad: Oh...where's Katie?
...
Me: our VP of Camping/COO went to Rice
Dad: you're going to eat what?
Me: I said "I love you."

December 27, 2014: (said to me)

"You're starting to be a pain in the ass....you know I said that to a girl I went on a date with once "

December 28, 2014: (dad is learning to use his new tablet by comparing it to his laptop)

Dad: how do I get it to pull up Google like on my computer. See? There it is and it is easy to use. If I want to search for 'drugs' I just type 'drugs' and can find it. I want to do that on the tablet.

December 22, 2015:

Dad (to Ryan and I): y'all don't play music anymore do y'all? Do you even still have your oboe?
Me: I still have my oboe!
Dad: you don't even have your oboe anymore. 
Me: I do still have my oboe.
Dad: do you still play it?
Me: every day
Dad: when you're doing drugs?
Me: as I said, every day. 
Dad: that's a lot of drugs.

December 23, 2015: (Ryan asks about the safety of driving the van)

Dad: ...needs a tune up but I don't have the time or money
Ryan: so I shouldn't drive it?
Dad: naw it'll be fine if you aren't going far. 
Ryan: is it going to be ok if I take it on the highway?
Dad: yeah...it should...guess you'll find out. 
...(outside Ryan starts it and I notice the tires)...
Me: you definitely want to stop and put air in the tires. 
Dad: all of the tires need air but those things at gas stations cost money and I don't trust them.

December 24, 2015: (in a restaurant where he is a regular and he is greeted by one of the waitresses)

Dad: Theresa likes it when I come here. She has the hots for me or something.

December 24, 2015: 

Me: For some reason when you talk I want to start looking at your false eye as though it is the real one.

Dad: I tell some of my students, I tell them I'm an alien and I tap my eye and tell them that it's a camera recording everything. Some of them aren't sure if I'm telling the truth but then I tell them that I know they aren't going to tell anyone their piano teacher is an alien with a camera for an eye because who would believe them?

Dad: ...Who knows how many of my students have psych problems because of me.

December 25, 2017: 

Me: Dad, do you have any glue? I need it to finish Stella's zombie pirate project.
Dad: I don't know
Me: why don't you know?
Dad: I just don't know where the glue is
Me: but why don't you know?
Dad: Is that what you tell your friends about me? "My dad always knows where the glue is."
Me: yes, and now you've made me a liar.

December 27, 2015:

Dad: Hey Maggie, have you ever heard of this piece?

(insert picture of dad holding up composition he's working on called "Take Five Asshole")

June 13, 2016: 

Dad: It sure is nice to have you home. 

Me: It is, isn't it? I knew you'd think it was nice.
Dad: It is. It's real nice. 
Me: What's the nicest part of having me home?
Dad: Talking about drugs...and communism. 
Mom: In that order?

June 16, 2016: (more of a quote of the family)

Dad: I haven't traveled far. I've been as far as Lexington, KY
Me: dad you came to visit me in HI...and CO
Dad: oh yeah I did.
Mom: c'mon daddy we're going to the batteaus. You're our DD...you (me and Carter) need to find cute young men who will take y'all on their batteau for a day Saturday. Kayleigh you can't wear those shoes--wear these. RAAAANNNNYYYYY! [...] let's roll! [...] do we need to bring alcohol? This might be a short trip.
Carter: [...] driving into the river would be a liability. Can you say liability?
Stella: liability.

June 22, 2016: 

Dad: (to a young girl working at McDonalds) Uhh do y'all still serve hamburgers here?
McD: ...(looking confused) yes...
Dad: oh, good. I'll have one of those then.

June 26, 2016: 

Me: Hey dad do you have any headphones I can borrow?
Dad: you can't borrow them but you can use them. Do you want Bluetooth ones that connect to your phone?
Me: sure, I didn't know you were so fancy
Dad: well you can't use them because the battery is dead. 
Me: ok then I'll just use regular ones
Dad: no, but here are some regular ones.

June 28, 2016:

Dad: hey you think you could take Tri and Obie for a walk?
Me: yep
Dad: Tri is just sitting there and looks like he is full of pee. Just look at him.

June 29, 2016: 

Dad: how much of my ticket are you paying for?
Me: all of it
Dad: all of it? Why?
Me: so I can hang it over you forever. Anytime I want something and you try to say no I'm gonna say "remember that one time I paid for your movie ticket."
Dad: then I'm gonna tell you that I'm a turnip and you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

June 30, 2016: (we had a running joke of overly criticizing whoever is driving and dad changed lanes without signaling a few times)

Me: your blinker broken?
Dad: naw, it just doesn't turn on if I don't use it. See? Right now it isn't on but if I do this then now it's blinking...it's one thing I like about this car.

July 4, 2016: 

Mom: did you eat all the donut holes last night?
Dad: no I did not
Mom: you ate most of them then
Dad: well you snooze you lose.

October 11, 2016:

Dad: Do they miss you at work?
Me: I mean I'd assume so. I'm pretty sure they spent the entire day crying about it.
Dad: I bet they're all crying (pretending to get teared up), they are all sitting there saying 'boo hoo we're so sad!'

October 12, 2016:

Dad: It's nice to have you home.
Me: How nice is it?
Dad: It's nicer than eating a shit sandwich.

October 13, 2016:

Dad: Those your clothes in the dryer?
Me: No
Dad: well don't leave them there. You know you don't have to leave them in the dryer. 
Me: I do if I want them to stay dry. It's called a DRY-er. 
Dad: they're already dry. 
Me: I assume they're dry. It's because they're in the dryer. 
Dad: (to the dog) poor thing. It's too complicated for her.

October 14, 2016:

Me: what's Uncle Irby up to?
Dad: (without missing a beat) 178
Me: ...
Dad: he weighs about 178 lbs. Know what they called me in HS when I played football at Glass?
Me: nothing. You didn't make the team. 
Dad: stampede. They'd say 'here comes Stampede!' I'd have snot coming out of my nose so they'd just move out of the way.

*Bonus*

Dad: Has that red been in your hair long?

Me: Dad how long have you known me?

Dad: Well red hair runs in my family

Me: How many years did I have red hair when I lived with you...remember as your daughter?

Dad: I guess you're right.

October 23, 2016: The Finale.

My most favorite thing he said. He said it a whole lot too.

Dad: I love you.

Cancer sucks. Dad fought like hell for 6.5 years right to the very end. He was at home and comfortable and in no pain and had his family by his side. Rest In Peace, Mr Handsome Movie Star. We love you.