Monday, August 14, 2017

Once Upon a Time There Were Some Quotes of the Dad

A collection of the Quotes of the Dad I was able to find on Facebook:

June 6, 2014: (I flew into Richmond, VA and it happened to be the day they released dad to go home after 2 months in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant)

First 20 minutes with the parents and mom and dad thought they parked in different garages, but then we heard a car alarm and turns out it was dad's. Then in the car:
Mom: we don't have to listen to this the entire way
Dad: why?
Mom: don't you want to talk to Kayleigh?
Dad: about what?
Me: he can't hear me anyway
Dad: Kayleigh what do you want to talk about?
Me: drugs
Dad: who?
Me/Mom: drugs
Dad: did you meet any nice Costa Ricans?
Mom: you can listen to your news again dear
Dad: but Kayleigh, do you have anything you want to talk about?

June 6, 2014: 

Another QOTD (Quote of the Dad):
Me: dad what's the wifi password again?
Dad: the what?
Me: to get online
Dad: like on the computer?
Me: yes
Dad: Quinlan
Me: (doesn't work) a capital Q?
Dad: yeah
(It isn't connecting so I give up...then randomly a few min later)
Dad: mean the Internet password?
Me: yes
Dad: oh, that's H***(etc).

June 7, 2014: 

Dad: Is Alex still here?
Me: I don't think so. I didn't see him. 
Dad: you didn't seen him? It's "I have not seen him."
Me: I know, but I said "I did not see him."
Dad: sure. Do you know how to speak in English sentences?
Me: I reckon I do
Dad: you don't talk right after leaving here. You probably say things like "I ain't done gone there before."
Me: you is funny
Dad: promise?

December 23, 2014:

Instead of posting the conversation this one is best summed up with the following reminder: Please enunciate and speak with great volume when talking to my dad or he might hear that you married at a whorehouse then moved with your husband to England, when you were actually married at a courthouse. Classic mixup, really.

December 24, 2014: (daddy/daughter time at Riv Pizza watching the Hawai'i Bowl)

Dad: can you roll a joint in here?
Bartender: no, silly commonwealth laws
Dad: which friend lives in NY again? Where is she?
Katie. She's home in HHI for Christmas right now. 
Dad: Oh...where's Katie?
Me: our VP of Camping/COO went to Rice
Dad: you're going to eat what?
Me: I said "I love you."

December 27, 2014: (said to me)

"You're starting to be a pain in the know I said that to a girl I went on a date with once "

December 28, 2014: (dad is learning to use his new tablet by comparing it to his laptop)

Dad: how do I get it to pull up Google like on my computer. See? There it is and it is easy to use. If I want to search for 'drugs' I just type 'drugs' and can find it. I want to do that on the tablet.

December 22, 2015:

Dad (to Ryan and I): y'all don't play music anymore do y'all? Do you even still have your oboe?
Me: I still have my oboe!
Dad: you don't even have your oboe anymore. 
Me: I do still have my oboe.
Dad: do you still play it?
Me: every day
Dad: when you're doing drugs?
Me: as I said, every day. 
Dad: that's a lot of drugs.

December 23, 2015: (Ryan asks about the safety of driving the van)

Dad: ...needs a tune up but I don't have the time or money
Ryan: so I shouldn't drive it?

Dad: naw it'll be fine if you aren't going far. 
Ryan: is it going to be ok if I take it on the highway?
Dad: should...guess you'll find out. 
...(outside Ryan starts it and I notice the tires)...
Me: you definitely want to stop and put air in the tires. 
Dad: all of the tires need air but those things at gas stations cost money and I don't trust them.

December 24, 2015: (in a restaurant where he is a regular and he is greeted by one of the waitresses)

Dad: Theresa likes it when I come here. She has the hots for me or something.

December 24, 2015: 

Me: For some reason when you talk I want to start looking at your false eye as though it is the real one.
Dad: I tell some of my students, I tell them I'm an alien and I tap my eye and tell them that it's a camera recording everything. Some of them aren't sure if I'm telling the truth but then I tell them that I know they aren't going to tell anyone their piano teacher is an alien with a camera for an eye because who would believe them?

Dad: ...Who knows how many of my students have psych problems because of me.

December 25, 2017: 

Me: Dad, do you have any glue? I need it to finish Stella's zombie pirate project.
Dad: I don't know
Me: why don't you know?

Dad: I just don't know where the glue is
Me: but why don't you know?
Dad: Is that what you tell your friends about me? "My dad always knows where the glue is."
Me: yes, and now you've made me a liar.

December 27, 2015:

Dad: Hey Maggie, have you ever heard of this piece?
(insert picture of dad holding up composition he's working on called "Take Five Asshole")

June 13, 2016: 

Dad: It sure is nice to have you home. 
Me: It is, isn't it? I knew you'd think it was nice.
Dad: It is. It's real nice. 

Me: What's the nicest part of having me home?
Dad: Talking about drugs...and communism. 
Mom: In that order?

June 16, 2016: (more of a quote of the family)
Dad: I haven't traveled far. I've been as far as Lexington, KY
Me: dad you came to visit me in HI...and CO
Dad: oh yeah I did.

Mom: c'mon daddy we're going to the batteaus. You're our (me and Carter) need to find cute young men who will take y'all on their batteau for a day Saturday. Kayleigh you can't wear those shoes--wear these. RAAAANNNNYYYYY! [...] let's roll! [...] do we need to bring alcohol? This might be a short trip.
Carter: [...] driving into the river would be a liability. Can you say liability?
Stella: liability.

June 22, 2016: 
Dad: (to a young girl working at McDonalds) Uhh do y'all still serve hamburgers here?
McD: ...(looking confused) yes...
Dad: oh, good. I'll have one of those then.

June 26, 2016: 

Me: Hey dad do you have any headphones I can borrow?
Dad: you can't borrow them but you can use them. Do you want Bluetooth ones that connect to your phone?
Me: sure, I didn't know you were so fancy

Dad: well you can't use them because the battery is dead. 
Me: ok then I'll just use regular ones
Dad: no, but here are some regular ones.

June 28, 2016:
Dad: hey you think you could take Tri and Obie for a walk?
Me: yep
Dad: Tri is just sitting there and looks like he is full of pee. Just look at him.

June 29, 2016: 
Dad: how much of my ticket are you paying for?
Me: all of it
Dad: all of it? Why?

Me: so I can hang it over you forever. Anytime I want something and you try to say no I'm gonna say "remember that one time I paid for your movie ticket."
Dad: then I'm gonna tell you that I'm a turnip and you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

June 30, 2016: (we had a running joke of overly criticizing whoever is driving and dad changed lanes without signaling a few times)
Me: your blinker broken?
Dad: naw, it just doesn't turn on if I don't use it. See? Right now it isn't on but if I do this then now it's's one thing I like about this car.

July 4, 2016: 
Mom: did you eat all the donut holes last night?
Dad: no I did not
Mom: you ate most of them then

Dad: well you snooze you lose.

October 11, 2016:
Dad: Do they miss you at work?
Me: I mean I'd assume so. I'm pretty sure they spent the entire day crying about it.
Dad: I bet they're all crying (pretending to get teared up), they are all sitting there saying 'boo hoo we're so sad!'

October 12, 2016:
Dad: It's nice to have you home.
Me: How nice is it?
Dad: It's nicer than eating a shit sandwich.

October 13, 2016:
Dad: Those your clothes in the dryer?
Me: No
Dad: well don't leave them there. You know you don't have to leave them in the dryer. 

Me: I do if I want them to stay dry. It's called a DRY-er. 
Dad: they're already dry. 
Me: I assume they're dry. It's because they're in the dryer. 
Dad: (to the dog) poor thing. It's too complicated for her.

October 14, 2016:
Me: what's Uncle Irby up to?
Dad: (without missing a beat) 178
Me: ...

Dad: he weighs about 178 lbs. Know what they called me in HS when I played football at Glass?
Me: nothing. You didn't make the team. 
Dad: stampede. They'd say 'here comes Stampede!' I'd have snot coming out of my nose so they'd just move out of the way.

Dad: Has that red been in your hair long?
Me: Dad how long have you known me?
Dad: Well red hair runs in my family
Me: How many years did I have red hair when I lived with you...remember as your daughter?
Dad: I guess you're right.

October 23, 2016: The Finale.
My most favorite thing he said. He said it a whole lot too.
Dad: I love you.
Cancer sucks. Dad fought like hell for 6.5 years right to the very end. He was at home and comfortable and in no pain and had his family by his side. Rest In Peace, Mr Handsome Movie Star. We love you.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

(Once Upon a Time ) Is Kayleigh a Liar?

Is Kayleigh a liar? Yes.

I created this post a few weeks ago to win an argument/prove a point on the Google. I kind of like that I could Google "Is Kayleigh a liar?" and it says yes. So I'm not taking it down. Instead, I'll expand.

Pretty simple, really. I like being right, but can admit when I'm wrong...but usually not after I try to use the internet to help me be right (the internet is the only thing I feel I can trust these days). I went through this phase where I would change a Wikipedia article almost daily for winning argument's sake. The key was to pick more obscure articles and change them and usually your updates would stay long enough to send the recipient the link with the message "read this ASAP or my hard work will have gone to waste!" It all started when I worked for a construction company and was emailing with one of the Project Managers I worked with: (paraphrasing from memory)

me: [something something about packing slips and their role with our documentation along with POs and Invoices]

him: [answers question about packing slips]'s not rocket science.

me: Oh really? [inserts link to "Rocket Science" Wikipedia page where there is a sentence about Rocket Science also referring to the study of packing slips] Knowledge is power.

him: You're ridiculous.

Okay, so I could've just explained that in narrative form as I clearly am unable to recall enough to warrant it presented as a conversation. I'll remember that next time. Now you have to have to register for a log in or something to change Wikipedia. Sometimes technology really gets on my nerves.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Once Upon a Time I Learned about Alcohol and Dogs

An old g-chat with a person.

Person: This puppy [...]
Me: I love him! Also, that reminds me of an old screen saver I used to have that I want to get back! Here's a youtube version:
P: that makes me want to clean my screen
Me: but the pug can do it for you!
P: no he's making it all gross and slobbery
Me: that's because he's not done yet...when you first spray windex it leaves a mess...but you keep at it and eventually it is gone and window is clean!
P: maybe if the dog salivated isopropyl
Me: maybe they already do; a dog's mouth is the cleanest; except it's called "dogsopropyl" and is very safe for animals; Also isopropyl is some fancy cleaning agent in windex, right?
P: no just a type of alcohol you use to clean stuff
Me: then we definitely shouldn't be giving that to dogs
P: right; it'd make them blind then dead
Me: although drunk Macy could be for drunk Lucy, I will not clean up her vomit.
Me: I guess dogs don't have a very high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: except for huntin' dogs that drink beer from mason jars...but they were probably started young. So the trick to stop your dog from going blind then dead is to start giving them alcohol at an early age.
I can only assume I never received a response from Person because I'm right.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Once Upon a Time I Figured Out How to Succeed in Theatre Without Really Trying

This post isn't about theatre. Except at the end. So it's been a year. What reminded me that I hadn't posted anything in a while was that I had another successful pi day, but then I realized that the last thing I wrote about was pi day so maybe a little catch up?

Highlight from each month since last March:

April: Had another awesome birthday with a beer fest in Breckenridge and a dinner with a couple of unexpected tequila shots that seemed like an okay idea at the time (it was my birthday!). Lesson learned: binging on chips/queso is not sufficient alone. Also the bearded man's ginger roommate and my glittery coworker found (and currently are still in) love. A good birthday all around.

May: All I can remember is that this month was super busy, but not because I was doing all sorts of cool and awesome things. SKIPPED.

June: We had a few more fires. Let's not talk about it. So over fires and natural disasters in general so here's to hoping 2014 is the year of no threatening disaster near where I live!

July: The month I had been waiting for my entire life. I LEFT THE COUNTRY! Work friend and I went to Paris for a few days over her birthday and apparently they love birthdays in Paris as much as we do because everyone celebrated and they even put on a fireworks show at the Eiffel Tower for us. People called it "Bastille Day" celebrations which means I also learned that Bastille is french for Work Friend. This may be the only new french word I learned because the rest of the time I would find myself trying to communicate in english with a bad french accent as though the other person would suddenly understand.
     "When does the next train come?"
     "[cue bad accent] Ummm...le train? [point to watch]"
Also the french men love work friend. They tell her that her dress is beautiful but mine, "eh, it is ok" and since France is supposed to be high on the fashion totem I was feeling pretty good about being "ok" by their standards. Then we went to England to visit old neighbor and then I had to be in a wedding in a castle. My life is hard. And fancy sometimes. I was also the tall white girl in the wedding party which I never thought would ever happen but Europe is just magical like that.

August: A dinosaur joint birthday party (TyDANoSARAHus Rex party) and football season started...or the season where the bearded man doesn't understand passion for a team because Colorado hasn't been good since the 90s. He does wear his Carolina shirt we bought so we do respect him for that. It must feel good to be able to cheer for a winning team!

September: Finally made it for a visit to Cool-umbia! Wonderful people, wonderful tailgaiting, and it was great to be home to watch a Gamecock victory. I will admit that I thought the bearded man would come back a full-on converted Gamecock fan...but he still wears the shirt so I'm trying not to hold it against him.

October: Sister and niece came for an impromptu weekend visit and it was the best thing ever and I continue to cement my status as coolest aunt because I know what 4 year olds like. Took the bearded man to Great American Beer Festival for his birthday present since I know what that man likes. It was a fun afternoon that ended with his parents driving down to be our DD...

November: We told them to fear the thumb. Then we squashed them with it. And there was much rejoicing.

December: Christmas with the fam is always entertaining...even before my dad pulls out the fart machine and my blind uncle starts sharing drunk wisdom.

January: We're #4! We're #4! And there was much rejoicing. All of the pow! All of the pow! And there was much rejoicing on the mountains.

February: Celebrated 10 years with my college BFFs at another college friend's wedding. My first visit to TX was not totally awful but I'm guessing that's because it was to Austin and not anywhere else.

And that brings us to March. I just finished in a play "The Adventures of Peter Rabbit and  His Friends" which was a lot of fun. Work friend did just bring to my attention however that I was credited in the program as a "Hair/Make Up Assistant" and she asked how did that happen. I was/am equally confused and amused since despite doing one girl's hair every night, the only other thing I can think of is the one time I tried to take over curling another girl's hair and it took 10min of wondering why each curl was less curly than the last for me to figure out that the iron wasn't even on. However those on the outside likely assume I was a useful assistant and for that I think I might have discovered How to Succeed in Theatre Without Really Trying.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Once Upon a Time There Was Pi(e)

I don't keep it a secret - I LOVE PI DAY! (March 14 or 3.14 for those of you non-math-sided-brained people). I like to order a whole pie for lunch and eat it each year. Last year a gang of us from work went to a lovely place called Smiley's. I was worried that there may be no pie left because of the special day but apparently I underestimate the rest of the world's collective enthusiasm/devotion to this day because there were plenty of delicious pies waiting to be chosen by me.

This year the gang headed back to Smileys and I walk in AND THERE WERE NO PIES!

me: Where are all the pies?

Smileys: oh we're backed up, I have some in the oven but they're all for special orders

me: oh no...I was planning on coming in and enjoying a whole pie

Smileys: oh sorry, we will be back to having more ready-made pies in the coming weeks. I can maybe let it slide if it's for a good reason

me: it's PI DAY!

Smileys: I have a strawberry rhubarb pie about to come out of the oven--it's yours.

That's what pi day is all about, people--hijacking other people's pre-ordered pies. It's not as rude as it seems. Pi day is a happy day because it is meant to be filled with pie. My happiness was maintained by scoring a pie, and in return the intended recipient will get an even fresher one which means more happiness. Sounds like paying it forward to me! The person who ordered it should probably thank bringing me a pie. I might've missed the point of "paying it forward."

Now today is the Ides of March. So watch your back--the person you were happily enjoying pie with yesterday could literally (and lethally) stab you in the back today. I suggest you brush up on your latin

Et tu, _(insert name of stabber)_ !

Also, I don't know how long they keep it up but if you like puzzles, check out then get ready to be frustrated...but it's better if you have pie to console you in those times.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Once Upon a Time There Were Thong Pants

I went home last weekend to VA to visit my family. A couple days before leaving I was texting with my mom and the conversation took a sudden weird turn. I posted this on facebook:

The blanked out part is the bearded man

She did try to explain, but I still wasn't exactly sure what she meant...and I was okay with that.

Then, alas, at home the mystery was solved. Those of you who don't know my father should know he is a precious 70yr old man who is as hilarious as he is oblivious at times. That being said, I present to you The Thong Pants.

My family's pretty special.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Once Upon a Time I'm Pretty Sure I Invented a DIY

First, a quick update on my chicken I recently cooked: I put most of it in the freezer then last night I wanted it for dinner. I somehow knew that there had to be a better way other than the microwave to heat it up (this chicken is my culinary baby so I wanted to treat it right until I ate it for good). So naturally I googled "how to heat up already cooked frozen chicken." Work friend gives me a hard time because I tend to google full sentences rather than keywords but I often google weird enough stuff that I feel I need to be extra specific to get better results. This particular search isn't a good example. Well I found one site that said to heat it up in a frying pan with broth/dressing/marinade. I looked in the bearded man's fridge and saw that the dressing they had said Great as a Marinade! right on the bottle so I went with it. I felt like a real cook making the decision on the fly to turn my lemon-pepper chicken into a new dish I called lemon-pepper chicken in a zesty italian dressing. In the end it turned out just fine and I ate it, although admittedly I did have my doubts for a few minutes:
I'm just glad neither the bearded man nor his
ginger roommate walked in to judge me or yell
at me for using the wrong spatula or something dumb.
I did all of this with only my left hand not just to prove I could but also because I broke my right wrist last weekend. While snowboarding at Breckenridge I finally decided it was time for me to spread my wings and grow up from the learning area. This video gives the general idea of what kind of riding I was doing. I'm far too humble to let anyone record me, but luckily Shaun White is not:

TTR Tricks- Shaun White Back to Back Double... by WorldSnowboardTour

 I thought it was just sore and I only needed to move it back and forth a lot then cautiously continued down. I quickly thought it might be badly sprained so made my way to the base then agreed to let someone look at it. At a glance the doc told me exactly what happened

Dr: that's broken. You fractured your distal radius...(medical speak above my level)
Me: you took the words right out of my mouth...I guess you've seen this before?
Dr: all the time. It's the most common snowboard injury.

Me: ...this must make me a real snowboarder now! ...can I have a beer while I wait to get taken for xrays?

I could never call myself a surfer in Hawaii so feeling like a real snowboarder (and not injuring myself on a green) made me forget for a bit that I managed to injure myself right after I finally got the hang of it and could start having more fun.

I got my cast a few days ago and the guy who did it is a Gamecock fan so I had fun talking to him. I told him that I plan to try doing half days on easy greens and he kept reassuring me they have plenty of fiberglass. I didn't know what exactly he meant by it but then learned (thanks to google) that fiber glass casts are the preferred method over the traditional plaster for various reasons. One big issue I quickly discovered however is that it snags clothes like crazy. So after a day of covering it with dish rags I came up with the idea of cutting the sleeve off an old pullover to keep on it. Voila! It just looks like I'm wearing one long sleeve and keep my elbow at 90 degrees (I did always love geometry)! Here's a before/after:

If I didn't have to enact a self-imposed ban on Pinterest this is surely better than a lot of other stuff on there. And it cost me free.99!

I'm hoping I'm only in the cast for 6 weeks but this whole learning to be left handed has not been awesome so far. It has also made me super aware of how unmarried I am. I'm not trying to get married soon, but it would be nice to have someone there every night and morning obligated to help with bras, and to wash my hair, etc.