Thursday, April 26, 2012

Once Upon a Time It Was "The Birds" All Over Again...almost...sort of

So I hate scary movies...even the ones that are supposed to be scary but everyone's all "whatever it wasn't scary." That being said, I've never actually watched Hitchcock's The Birds and have no intention of doing so. I do however know the premise of this movie and it scares the shit out of me.

Remember when I was getting all happy about the weather warming up? Well apparently in Colorado I'm not the only one who loves it. Moths apparently do, too. Saturday night I get home late and am exhausted, ready to climb into my bed when I turn on the light in my room and a SWARM of moths start fluttering about. The little moth-erf******s were having a party in MY bedroom and I wasn't even invited. I called a friend to ask what I'm supposed to do but I keep interrupting him with worst-case scenarios involving waking up with my face half eaten by moths and he's all "I'm trying to comfort you and be supportive but you're making it difficult!" and I'm all "have you seen The Birds? They are just waiting for me to go to sleep so they can bring in the army and attack." then he's all "moths don't have razor beaks" and I'm all "you don't know that....shut up."

So I resolve to let them have my room for the night (hospitality is one of my gifts) and left the light on to contain them, and I slept on an air mattress in the living room. I woke up Sunday morning and right before I start getting ready for church, I decide it is a good idea to Google "moth infestations." Well church was placed on the back burner as I start freaking out about the moth party I allowed to happen the night before. I don't know much about moth parties, but if this one got crazy who knows how many eggs were laid and if there was larvae feasting on my clothes. Anxiety kicked into full swing (I am more and more my father's child) and I imagine the worst and immediately start re-washing all of my clothes and putting my wool jacket in the freezer (I work for a non-profit...I can't afford clothes...okay I can afford clothes but I'd rather spend my money on other stuff instead). I thought it was a good idea to read up on as many moth infestation horror stories I could find for tips (although none seemed to have a happy ending resulting in no more moths...). I also spent the better part of the sabbath murdering the stupid things but when I killed one, 2 more seemed to come out. Not only was I losing the battle, I was slowly losing my sanity (okay, slightly dramatic but it didn't seem so at the time). I called up work neighbor who came over to help calm me down. We took a walk around the block because I needed to be out of the house then she braved the war zone with me.

When we got into my room, each of us armed with a shoe, at first I thought the moths had gotten smarter. They were "stationed" in hard to squish places, unlike the ones I had been killing who just landed on walls. I was wondering how they could learn so quickly then it hit me.

I had been killing the dumb moths all day. They had sent in the front lines to see how I would respond and now the smarter ones were moving in. Even worse, by killing the dumb ones, I was only aiding in survival of the fittest which means only the smart moths are left to breed which will result in even smarter moths. Then what if these smarter moths learn how to develop razor beaks so they can become the 21st century birds. I mean, isn't remaking old movies the "in" thing right now?

Anyway, I did eventually learn that apparently this time each year miller moths are in a migratory pattern to higher elevation and this is the worst it's been in 5-6 years. Also they aren't the clothes eating kind - just a nuisance and everyone has stories of them flooding their houses.This did calm me down a bit (although I am in the processing of sealing off windows in my room and have yet to sleep in there since this weekend) but with my recent thought process of what the future holds for these things I'm still a bit uncomfortable. I guess I can at least take my jacket out of the freezer.

Colorado Springs score: 1 (-2 because NOBODY WARNED ME ABOUT THE MOTH-ERF*****S)

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